Penguin Pete, Author at Penguin Pete's Greatest Hits

MTG Arena has the worst ad for anything, ever

Well, I’m more than on-record as a long-standing Magic: the Gathering geek. But that’s the paper cards. When it comes to the electronic offerings of Wizards of the Coast trying to replicate their paper game in video media, there’s no point in trying to be nice about it: They all stink on ice. After a token attempt to get MTG Arena to run on ANY device I own by ANY means necessary, I lost interest, as I have so many times before. So dismissed has been the video game interpretations of MTG from my consideration, that this is my first time talking about them at all, anywhere.

But have you seen this new MTGArena ad? I saw it on YouTube and was too paralyzed with horror to hit the ‘skip’ button. Good GAWD, people, what the WTF were you THINKING???

There’s so much gone so wrong to unpack here, I barely know where to start…

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1980s Arcades Revisited

So I notice Millennials and Generation Z (or younger folk, if you’re sick and tired of these arbitrary generation definitions that nobody agrees on) seem to wax nostalgic for the arcade times. This, even though they may have been born long after the arcade heyday. There’s ever a word for it: anemoia, nostalgia for a time you’ve never known.

So I figured to either sharpen or alleviate some of that with an IMGUR gallery time capsule of 1980s-era video game arcades. Not so much focused on the games as on the arcades themselves, the chains and one-offs that we encountered in malls and boardwalks across the land. Then one of my freelance clients clamored for their own arcade nostalgia experience, so I posted a far more elaborate arcade rat memoir there.

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New at 123ish: Anime VTubers Are a Thing Now!

On the lighter, fluffier side, I indulge my inner otaku to trace the cultural roots of the vTuber phenomenon. It’s only been going on a couple years now, so this is your chance to jump on an early bandwagon for this growing medium.

It wasn’t easy researching when the deepest information you get is a few paragraphs from “Japan Trend TV.” Kizuna AI is the face of vTubers, not even remotely being dethroned by her legions of imitators. Bonus round, found this:

That pick up your spirits after the bad news cycle in the media recently?

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New at 123ish: Reluctantly Covering the Democratic Primary Zoo

Look, folks, I don’t always get to pick the topic, OK? Clients want stuff, I give them stuff. So when political season inevitably reared its scab-encrusted head, I did my painful duty. So here’s a scorecard of the current contenders for Democratic president 2020.

Bottom line: Front-runner wins, everybody else GTFO! I dress it up in my characteristic snark, of course, but the nut of the matter is we lost 2016 because the only thing a Democrat seems to hate worse than a Republican is another Democrat. When Republicans are onstage, all I hear are people ripping up Democrats. When Democrats are on stage, all I hear are people ripping up Democrats. We need allies, not saboteurs.

I don’t care who’s polling at the top, if it’s a fireplug, everybody else needs to bow out, shut up, drop out, and throw their support behind the fireplug! This is the easiest election to win ever! All you have to do is present a united front.

Bill Maher points it out: “All the Democrats have to do is come off LESS CRAZY THAN TRUMP and of course they’re blowing it!”

Please, people, save your petty little tent agendas for some other year. This is a life and death election. We are amidst a Cold Civil War. Our nation’s soul is at stake. The Titanic is sinking and Democrats can’t stop fighting over how to redecorate the underwater ballroom.

The Las Vegas Grasshopper Invasion 2019

Pardon me for sounding so… preachy… but as a prophet I am obligated to share my testimony. The Las Vegas grasshopper invasion is God’s punishment for not believing me when I said this exact same thing happened in Bullhead City, Arizona, back in the 1990s. Bullhead being a tiny town and the 1990s being what they were (I swear we were the only household at the time to discover Internet), there weren’t many to witness it, so now I finally have a back-up confirmed sighting.

Yes, folks, Old testament locust plagues happen!

I love how all the news reports have to reassure panicky people over and over: They’re harmless. They don’t bite. There is nothing to be scared of, don’t panic. What, are people running around screaming in fear of being devoured?

Having braved a plague like this (BELIEVE ME NOW???), I’m afraid I have to point out that they’re not entirely harmless…

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New at 123ish: Items of Devotion for Alternative Religion + Join My Cult!

So this was a weird experimental post based on my starting an argument in which I held the position that you can make an Amazon product list out of anything. “Anything?” they said. “Anything, just pick something,” I said. So they said “something for the spiritual category.” And then I was naming the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Bob J.R. Dobbs and they went “Wait a minute, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” But I said “Too late! Things have been set in motion which cannot be undone!”

And that’s how we got a list of Best Devotional Items For Alternative Religions. With a bonus section where I introduce my own alternative religion: the Cult of the Temponaut! I hope one day to have my cult grow to a world-wide viral phenomenon, just like all the wacky cults we deal with already. I mean, mine is mostly benevolent and nobody can get hurt in it, right? Ah well, we’ll find out, omelets and eggs.

Just remember, physicists have reversed time already using a quantum computer. That’s how you get Temponauts! Start showing them respect before you have to deal with them all at once.

New at Spookwire: History of Witch Torture

For your leery-eyed, lurid entertainment, we round up some of the historic ways kinky Catholics used to torture random women accused of witchcraft.

Since it didn’t make the cut in the article, I HAVE to rave about this TV commercial from the 1980s, Time-Life Books’ Enchanted World series, narrated by the Prince of Horror himself:

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New at 123ish: Amazon Prime Day, your corporate overlord report

Yes, I know, worshiping the temple of e-Commerce is a bit far out of my usual wheelhouse, where I’m typically frolicking with Cthulhu or posting unhinged rants against palm trees. But guess what, chicken butt: Your humble author has to eat too, and articles about Amazon Prime Day brings in the bacon.

It’s funny, too, because for all the vitriol Amazon draws, it’s really just the online version of Sears-Roebuck. Present your case, John Oliver:

Now my case:

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New at 123ish: I review lots of Android stuff.

Maybe ya’all haven’t noticed yet, but *I* *freakin’* *love* *Android*! It’s the spawn of a union of two of my favorite technologies, Linux and Google, and while it’s never perfect, it’s damn near the “year of Linux on the desktop” we all yearned for.

So I reviewed a stack of apps for Android, just paying homage to the stuff that’s privileged to stay installed on my beloved tablets. There’s the top games on Android, mostly free with a couple paid-for honorable mentions. And the top free non-game apps on Android, focusing on free apps that you may not have heard of.

New at Suggested Reads: HP Lovecraft Books That’ll Give You Nightmares

So apparently, the late H.P. Lovecraft has gained new-found popularity with younger generations, even though he was about as politically correct as Archie Bunker. Over at Suggested Reads, a new site for discovering quality literature, I had the opportunity to at last dive into the works of Lovecraft and ink out a map for the first-time Arkham tourist.

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