I am here today to speak on behalf of all keyboard hacks everywhere. From the lowest SEO rat off Fiverr to the most successful content marketing guru. Every single one of us is sick of flowery writing gig ads.
Let me save you time: If you really want to attract top talent that will actually work for you, the golden ad formula is this:
How Your “Help Wanted” Ad For A Writer Should Look:
- PAY – MENTION! THIS! FIRST!
- Schedule – Being as flexible as possible helps us cram your project into that five-hour gap in our week.
- Topic – WHAT will I be writing? If there’s more to it than just writing, mention duties i.e. editing, social media management, WordPress plug-in slingin’, etc.
- Company – WHAT is your business model? What is your mission statement? Essentially, how is my writing supposed to make you money?
- Target audience – WHOM will I be writing for? Are they old fuddie-duddies who still own black-and-white TVs? Are they young hip teens? Working-class moms? Entrepreneurs?
This should be easy stuff. You sell something to somebody and now you want a content marketer, don’t you? One of the biggest things that will make us freelance writers skip your ad is if you sound like you have no clue as to any of the above points.
But in the first, most essential place, please spare us these sugary funeral eulogies like this one somebody pitched at me on Linked-In. This is not to reflect on the company. This is just an education in what writers actually think about when they read your ad.
How Writing Job Ads Go Wrong
At $NAME_WITHHELD, we need a writer. Actually, we need a thinker. A problem-before-it-even-occurs solver.
Believe it or not, most of us writers actually do consider “thinking” to be within the scope of our job description. That part goes without saying. But most of us balk at actual precognition. Especially since I know that I’m going to be kept so far out of the loop that the company could go out of business and I wouldn’t find out until my checks stopped coming.
Someone with a curious mind and a strong work ethic who not only enjoys juggling lots of different projects but says, “Bring it on.”
This is called “being alive in the 21st century.” Also, be careful asking for a “curious mind.” I guarantee that I can get thrown out of your office in three valid questions or less.
Someone who wants to start their career — or revitalize it — in a place where opportunity and responsibility are abundant, with no shortage of ways to make an impact.
Empty marketese is empty.
A writer who wants to learn from people who’ve been there before, including the guy who created the GEICO GECKO.
Attempting to bedazzle me via a brush with fame just dashes my expectations for high pay. Which hasn’t been mentioned yet. Every paragraph I read from here on down makes me expect -$1/hr less. As illuminating as I’m sure it would be to be mentored at the feet of the GECKO-master upon his throne and reaching eighth-level reptile meditation with him, I gotta eat too.
We’re looking for a creative who wants to do it all: TV, radio, digital, video content, social, direct mail. ‘Cause we do it all here.
In the first place, “do it all” entails not just writing, but doing the acting, production, and film editing too. In the second place, it’s rare that you’ll find one individual who is equally adept at every media format. You’d be better off, and a better-managed company, if you had a whole art department to split up these duties. Even the greatest polyglots in history mastered only about five pursuits.
This point is very important: Ask yourself, “If our candidate can do all that, why the fuck would he want to come work for us?” I have my own self-employed “company” right now, and all I do is write blog posts.
In short, we’re looking for a confident person who; believes they have the answers. Believes everyone has something to contribute. Enjoys the thrill of solving a puzzle. Is willing to soak up knowledge. Can teach us a few new tricks.
- It is too late for “in short”
- I have the answers, but few people willing to listen to them
- How much coke did you do to write these sentences?
Bonus points if you’re passionate about Oxford commas.
This sentence is supposed to wink at me and make me go “D’awwww, they understand writers!” What it actually makes me say is, “You Googled for ‘things writers are passionate about’ and couldn’t be bothered to read the rest of the list.”
Since we do it all, here is what a typical “day in the life” could look like as the copywriter and editor at SA:
In the morning, you could be writing banner ads to sell windows. In the afternoon, concepting a video about combating hunger in Iowa.
In between, an impromptu brainstorming session on the latest lottery promotion.
Just a minute ago you tried to appeal to Team Oxford Comma and now you verb “concepting.” That is sick. Second, it sounds like I’m going to be shifting projects constantly in a harried atmosphere while getting interrupted all the time.
And throughout the week, you could be helping any number of our entrepreneurial clients solve the opioid crisis. Revitalize small town America. Or market a new product that people will consider essential five years from now.
Can I bring peace to the Middle East too? I would like to do that without getting any credit for it myself, of course. I mean sure, I have visions, I like to do some good in the world (NOT market the lottery for starters). But this sounds like a political ad.
On certain days, puppies come by to visit. On Thursdays in the summer our volleyball team kicks butt (although we could always use a good server). And yeah, we close every Friday at 3 p.m. Psychologically, it’s like having a half-day off every week.
Jesus, are you going to go into detail about the flavors of pop in the cafeteria vending machine too? Are you even hiring for a salary or are you courting interns? Recruitment brochures for GreenPeace don’t have this much frosting.
We get it. You may see yourself in Chicago, the West Coast. Heck, even Kansas City. But Des Moines is a hidden gem. The Midwest’s mini-Austin. There’s plenty to do here, eat here, drink here. And unlike those other cities, you can actually afford a downtown loft here.
This part… You guys invited me to this position on Linked-In. You can SEE that I LIVE in Des Moines! You don’t need to insult my city by making it sound like it needs defending, and you certainly don’t need to smear extra shit on it by comparing it to anyplace in Texas. Also, I have a whole house with a yard and a garage and a roof and everything based on my humble little freelance career where all I do is write blog posts. The “downtown loft” is telling me that working for you will be a step down.
I understand that this was a generalized ad to which you invited people after the thought. Did you ever hear the expression “an ounce of keeping your mouth shut beats a ton of apology”? What purpose is this paragraph even serving besides oozing desperation?
Des Moines is great place to start your career and grow your imagination. And we’re the top dogs in Iowa.
Do you have the ability to kick out wicked headlines and copy under pressure?
I try kicking out wicked headlines, and then it’s “no not like that” and “we’ll scare people away trying to summon Beelzebub!”
Do you also have a proven track record of delivering compelling concepts within fast-paced team environment?
Do you market the markets? Yes I market all the markets.
Can you demonstrate your ability to create effective campaigns through multiple channels: print, digital, video and social media for both brand awareness and direct marketing?
Again, you want somebody with 16 arms, try Hinduism.
Can you also support and contribute to creative thinking throughout the agency with a collaborative team approach?
Let’s chat.
Here’s my overall impression
In my experience when I’ve gone along with a proposal like this just to see where it ends up, I get a huge waste of time. Behind this kind of ad, there usually lurks a mismanaged company that is understaffed, underpaid, and praying for a benevolent miracle-worker to walk in the door.
There’s no specific beef I have with this company, but it’s an example of the same kind of ad I crawl through ten times a day every day when I’m in the market for a new client. Thankfully thanks to my savvy business management, those times are few and far between.
Writers exist in a profession which is the result of cultivating two aspects: Learning and creativity. Anybody who has devoted their lives to those two pursuits is going to roll their eyes at this kind of “rock-star ninja” hiring copy. You’re much better off being frank, up front, pragmatic, and forthcoming.
Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to shower this sticky-sweet coating of goop off my feathers so I’ll quit sticking to the furniture.
