Pardon me for sounding so… preachy… but as a prophet I am obligated to share my testimony. The Las Vegas grasshopper invasion is God’s punishment for not believing me when I said this exact same thing happened in Bullhead City, Arizona, back in the 1990s. Bullhead being a tiny town and the 1990s being what they were (I swear we were the only household at the time to discover Internet), there weren’t many to witness it, so now I finally have a back-up confirmed sighting.
Yes, folks, Old testament locust plagues happen!
I love how all the news reports have to reassure panicky people over and over: They’re harmless. They don’t bite. There is nothing to be scared of, don’t panic. What, are people running around screaming in fear of being devoured?
Having braved a plague like this (BELIEVE ME NOW???), I’m afraid I have to point out that they’re not entirely harmless…
When they swarm this hard, the street becomes slippery because it’s coated in a slurry of mashed grasshopper. When it happened in Bullhead, police were advising people to drive like they would in snow because the grasshoppers were causing accidents. They can also be hazardous for drivers when they obstruct the windshield, or distract you by wriggling down your back while you’re taking an off-ramp.
They’re so clumsy that they fly right into your mouth and you can choke on one at the wrong instant.
They have zero survival instinct, so anything like an air filter, a fan, a radiator, anything that pulls air is probably going to clog up with grasshoppers.
Of course, locusts are always deadly when they’re in the hands of…
You can also forget trying to do anything about them. While gratifying in the short-term, chemical sprays and flame-throwers (including the classic hairspray + lighter homebrew) are just spit in the proverbial ocean. There’s millions of them and one you.
Sit tight, Vegians, they’ll be moving on before long! Oh, and shout-out to my old stomping ground: I’m still in the Midwest, and still don’t miss the Southwest.
