OPENING THEME
We are experiencing a montage of images from inside the protagonist’s head. In rapid succession we see: An apple being sliced in half by a chainsaw. A horse galloping out of a toilet. A balloon with frosting on top baking in a microwave.
EXTERIOR – DAY – MEDIUM SHOT
We are looking at the broad blue wall of a house that fills the frame. Two symmetrical red-silled windows are open in the wall. At the same time, TWINS, identical women in 18th century period dress, emerge from either window to stick their heads out to us.
TWINS (in unison)
“We are the Wes Anderson homage!”
INTERIOR – A LIMITLESS WHITE VOID
DIRECTOR faces us sitting in a director’s chair, wearing a baseball cap and with a megaphone at his side. He brings the megaphone up to his mouth to address the audience.
DIRECTOR (into megaphone)
“We need a David Lynch noise here! How about… OOOOOOAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE…”
As DIRECTOR continues to vocalize, the lights flicker on and off ten times. A lightbulb shatters, and DIRECTOR goes silent, slumping over in his chair. He is revealed in close-up to have been a ventriloquist’s dummy. Smoke fills the screen. A wailing industrial machinery sound fades in. The smoke clears. Different-colored smoke fills the screen. The smoke clears some more.
INTERIOR – DAY
We are in a cafe. BOY, 22, and GIRL, 19, are seated at a table facing each other. They have both ordered the biggest venti double-machiato piled high with whipped cream, but neither of them have touched their beverage.
BOY
“I’m going to – (he interrupts himself, facing offscreen) – Can we shut off the wailing industrial machinery noise please?”
The noise goes silent.
BOY
“Thank you – (turning back to face GIRL) – I’m going to break up with you.”
GIRL
“Damn. Now I’m going to go slowly crazy in an amusingly quirky way for the remaining hour and a half runtime.”
– cut to –
DIRECTOR, still a dummy, is manipulated by PRODUCTION MANAGER to hold up the megaphone again.
DIRECTOR (offscreen to BOY and GIRL)
“What the hell was that? That was coherent, it made sense! We can’t do that, they’ll say we sold out!”
etc…
If you’re wondering what that was all about, see my comment under this review.
TL;DR: I’m caught in another scandal where a new VAHIM (vague art-house indie movie) that just came out and got reviewed is being accused of ripping off an old VAHIM we reviewed a bit ago. I content they’re both VAHIM drivel with 1000 VAHIMs just like them. Then I vowed to write the ultimate VAHIM script. But this is as far as I’ve gotten.
The elder VAHIM is the one where I got quoted on the movie poster.
