Aperio radix, pro bono publico. (Open source, for the public good.)

What Science Fiction Would Be Like If Science Fiction Writers Had Sense

Date/Time Permalink: 06/26/10 05:54:22 pm
Category: Humor

Here are a few scenes that will at first sound common to anybody's standard of science fiction practice, but I've altered them so that they reflect what the real universe would be like. Isn't that peachy of me?


"Remarkable! These Rovorgians look just like humans, except they have blue skin and forked noses!"

"Actually, Captain, those are the boys from engineering. They thought they'd put on some make-up and have a bit of fun with you. Real aliens come from dozens of lightyears away, having evolved on planets with completely different biomes, so it would be impossible to have a coincidence where they resembled humans in any way at all."


"What is the Seguzians religion? I expect they are an entire race of warriors modeled after the Earth Japanese Shinto religion?"

"That's a pretty stupid question. There are about four major denominations of religion on Seguzia and hundreds of minor subdivisions, not including those who are agnostic, atheist, or weak of faith. Only a small fraction of them are warriors at all. In fact, you might want to sit down for this one, but they find it easier to manage the planet by subdividing it into a whole bunch of smaller nations, rather than having one world government. Exactly like you'd expect from any developed society."


"Our starship is stranded until we find a planet close by where we can mine some Hijixian crystals!"

"Will you stop being a drama queen and punch 'hijixian crystal' into the replicator already? That'll be enough to get us home. And when we do, we're court-marshalling the logistics engineer who sent us into deep space without a back-up fuel supply."


"Perhaps the aliens came for our Earth-women."

"No, actually, since the aliens are hideously abominable to us, we look equally repulsive to them, and sex with our females would be no more appealing to them than sex with a squid would be to us."


"Of course, our human emotions must be confusing to an android such as you who cannot experience them."

"Uh, if you're done being such a condescending smartass, I'll point out that I have a functional IQ the equivalent of a 1000, hundreds of terabytes of memory at my disposal, and full programming in every facet of human knowledge available. Your primal monkey feelings are no more a challenge for me to know and anticipate any more than the mating habits of salmon."


"Any luck that this is a class-H planet capable of sustaining human life?"

"You ask that every time. No, even though plenty of other life forms find the place to be perfectly cozy, it's gravity is nowhere near 9.8 meters per second ^2, its ambient temperature isn't close to 70 degrees F, its atmosphere doesn't just happen to have the exact components needed to make it safe for humans to breathe, and in any case, it's a planet, not a basketball, so it has different climates and biomes all over it just like any other planet, including Earth!"


"Hi, we're from the future! We're here to stop the assassination of your president!"

"Bullshit! In the first place, need I point out that you speak my language perfectly even down to my regional accent? Then you have clothes similar to mine, though you didn't bother to dress for my exact period instead of that cheap spandex jumpsuit of yours. You have no protection from germs of our time so you would have to be currently dying of airborne diseases that your immune system has never been exposed to. And finally, you seem overly familiar with our local customs and culture, not to mention our system of government, whereas if you were really telling the truth, you'd be as out of place in my time as I would be if I went back to ancient Egypt on a mission to rescue King Tut."


"Did the four-person rebel force infiltrate the base of the galactic overlord?"

"Uh, no. The suicide mission you sent them on turned out to be, what a surprise, suicidal. Might have something to do with the thousands of highly-trained guards who are armored like tanks and armed like a walking munitions factory, against your four kids wearing leisure suits and carrying pistols. They were greasy spots on the deck before they even made it to the gate."


"Prepare for light speed! Warp factor seven!"

"Very funny, captain, but we still have plain old regular physics in our everyday Einsteinian universe. Who's up for a sixteen-year chess tournament en route?"

What the T-shirts would look like if I merchandised my webcomic

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