But by night, I'm... Conan the Cybarian!

Oh, Lookie! It's Anti-Linux FUD Season!

Date/Time Permalink: 06/18/11 02:08:11 pm
Category: Humor

It's time once again when you can scarcely open a web browser without getting pied in the face by hate speech about how evil Linux, GNU, and all Free/Open-Source Software is.

Isn't it funny how this comes back every summer like clockwork? A few hardy trolls stick it out in the fall and winter, with the occasional weak snipe. Then in spring, posts about Why Linux Sucks start ramping up. By June and July, the trolls at a screaming roar - there is no escape from them, not on Twitter, Flickr, 4chan, Usenet, IRC, Blogger, Slashdot, Tumblr, or Digg. By August, you cannot go for a solitary sabbatical five miles out in the woods and sit on a stump to rest your feet without some fat redneck poking his head out of the nearest hollow log and screaming hysterically - with a tongue-biting, teeth-snapping, mouth-foaming, neck-vein-bulging frenzy - LINUSTORVALDSISTHEANTICHRISTTHEANTICHRISTTHEANTICHRIST!

And it IS a phenomenon. Think back to the last time you saw a blog post on the Internet with one of these titles:

  • Mac OS X Sucks And I'm Going Back To Windows!
  • Windows Sucks And I'm Going Back To Mac OS X!
  • Mac OS X Sucks And I'm Going Back To Linux!
  • Linux Sucks And I'm Going Back To Mac OS X!
  • Solaris Sucks And I'm Going Back To BSD!
  • BSD Sucks And I'm Going Back To Solaris!

Count how many of those variations you remember reading. Of course, you can't because all you can remember is that you've read 99 "Linux Sucks And I'm Going Back To Windows!" in your RSS feed in the past five minutes. Isn't it amazing how there's ten times as many people online saying they're quitting Linux than there ever have been total downloads of Linux distros in the first place?

There is a number of things we can tell that all anti-Linux FUD-spewers have in common:

(1) They are all born male. This is by observation. So far, I just never have met a female anti-Linux troll. They don't reproduce the normal way.

(2) They have no dick. Koro, a psychological disease first discovered in the Far East, is a hysterical delusion that one's external plumbing is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller and smaller until it eventually disappears. I have also observed this disease directly in anti-Linux FUD trolls, when I go to their house and ask, gentleman to gentleman, "I say old chap, would you mind fetching down your trousers so that I may inspect your external plumbing?" and upon the spot I then observe naught but a pimple where the faucet should be. "Aha! There's your problem!", I say, "Your dick's gone! This means that you don't spend your idle time having a healthy sex life like normal people do, and so you have extra time to fill, and you're also constantly frustrated from the lack of that sex life, so that makes you as mean as a drunk AIDS virus."

(3) They have no skills. Stop and think about it, what could be a more useless waste of time than to compose thousand-word rants against an operating system? I see Objectivism and Randroids as the same kind of potentially destructive political movements as the dreaded Bolsheviks, but I've made exactly one post each to make fun of them and to seriously point out where the Randies lead us down the wrong path. I hate liver with a passion, but the most I can manage is a couple paragraphs and I'm bored talking about it. I, of course, hate Windows, and so - and feel free to check my blog archive if you don't believe me - I have rarely if ever mentioned Windows except as a means to make some other point. You will find no articles here about "X reasons why the Microsoft desktop sucks" and so on. Really, what the hell's the point? If you had a skill, any skill - origami, scrapbooking, nose harp, training fleas, needlepoint, cooking omelets without burning them - wouldn't you be doing that instead of making an asshole of yourself online screaming about free software?

(4) They're all on meth and steroids. And probably welfare. How else could you manage a lifestyle in which you were awake and online 24/7, doing nothing to earn yourself a living, and constantly filled with rage that never abates against such an imaginary intellectual construction as an operating system, a flimsy thing that barely lives on the electromagnetic spectrum? Roid rage and meth paranoia are the only two things that can explain the cross-locus of stupid, angry, and tireless that all anti-Linux trolls display. I've had troll comments posted to me at 4 AM on Christmas Eve! I cry to think of such miserable souls. I hope his suicide was quick and painless.

(5) They aren't all paid to do this. This is the great epiphany that I have had this year. I used to make the mistake of assuming that they were all paid Microsoft PR hacks incognito. Some of them are (some of them even get caught) but there's still a proportion of anti-Linux FUD trolls who are just too... well... psycho to be drawing a paycheck from anybody. Some of them have been going on for years. Quite a few of them roam the streets almost naked in tattered, filthy rags, and on all fours, licking the ground and coughing up flies, chasing invisible rats through alleyways and behind dumpsters.

It's that last point that brings us, ever the curious social observers of the web that we are here at Aperture Science, to the question: If the motivation for Linux hatred isn't financial, then what is it? And we then have to conclude that Linux, GNU, and all of FOSS, stands for Truth, Justice, and Liberty, and so it scares bullies, tyrants, child molesters, terrorists, and anybody far enough into right-wing territory to follow John Birch - but this list repeats itself. It's an idealogical war now - people only attack what they fear.

People in the Linux community... the real Linux community... go on as always and life does too.

This is Penguin Pete's. It is made of Geek and Fail.

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