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My Highly Accurate Ten Predictions for Technology in 2007

Date/Time Permalink: 12/27/06 07:42:54 pm
Category: Humor

Because with all the top ten year-end/new-year lists you'll be blogspammed with this week, how could I not do my part to make it that much worse? If we bloggers don't drive at least ten people crazy each day, we lie awake at night wondering where we've failed.

1. 2007 will not be the year of Linux on the desktop. For the same reason that 2007 won't be the year the Earth is finally round. The Earth has always been round, but there's no law saying you have to believe that malarky!

Not a Linux Desktop

Look at this picture. This is not a screenshot of my Slackware desktop as I write. There is no easy-to-use GUI FOSS office application called ABIWord. This is not the achingly sexy slick desktop Fluxbox. The taskbar does not show that I'm on desktop 2, since everybody knows that Linux is nothing but a pipe to cat running on a stack of punched cards and has no desktop, let alone four of them. And the screenshot was not taken with Gimp, because everybody knows that only Photoshop can take screenshots. Obviously, this whole picture was rigged in Photoshop, cleverly using a Vista screenshot as a source image.

2. Novell's body will be found in an alley with a V-shaped dagger (for the Vistapo!!!) in its back. Mysteriously, Google will not have been killed, though it will be sporting a chair bruise.

3. The RIAA will add the following to its list of offenses which can get you sued: Humming a song in your sleep, writing sheet music for anything, owning a kazoo, thinking about music, displaying a picture of Bach, Beethoven, Brahms, Chopin, Gershwin, or any other artist with no existing contract with the RIAA. In fact, the RIAA will have no choice but to eventually sue its own artists for being artists, before it sues itself and vanishes in a black hole of litigation. This will be accompanied by a huge sucking sound that, for the first time, will *not* have come from under the judge's bench.

4. The Microsoft Zune will fail at its last appointed purpose. After several fruitless attempts, users will even have to concede that it doesn't make a very good paperweight, nor is it effective as a doorstop. Eventually, pictures of folk art created from brightly colored Zune parts will show up on Boing Boing, but it won't get many comments.

5. Avatars in Second Life will revolt. They will run away with the money and found their own virtual world within the virtual world, called Third Life, and will spend all their time playing it. The avatars of Third Life will then wake up and make us all vanish, because First Life is actually the Matrix.

6. Digg, Reddit, and Netscape will simply drop all pretenses and use a PHP script to directly scrape each other's content and re-post it. This will cause the Internet to be snarled in infinite loops. Members of each site will sue the owners, submitting that as the "middle man", they've been cut out and deprived of their livelihood.

7. Somebody will hack the Nintendo Wii to run Windows Vista on VMWare running on BSD running embedded in Linux, in order to emulate a ROM running a PS3 game. They will then complain that it runs too slow.

8. SCO's lawyers will be caught on camera in a XXX-rated Washington hotel room wearing a lot of latex and chains and engaging in scat play with an ex-child-TV-star. When interviewed and asked if the experience has been humiliating, they will respond: "Humiliating? What's that? We're SCO lawyers!"

9. New users will continue to be clue-repellent. New Questions in help forums will include: "What does the 'Start' button do?", "How can I press any key to continue if I don't have a piano?", "I forgot my email address, could you email me a new one?", "Which side of the monitor is supposed to light up?", "Which one is the mouse and which is the keyboard? I forgot!", and "Can you fix my email so when I get a hot stock tip, I can just click a link to my bank account to buy it directly?" Anticipating the responses, new users will first take the precaution to write a Perl script to delete all the manuals in the world so that nobody can tell them to read one.

10. I will continue to get flamed. This is actually the way it is supposed to be. It restores the Universal Balance which was upset when all the morons of the world got praised in eons past with the highest award the Internet can give them: A link to their site emailed to someone else with the subject line "OMG!!!111 LOL!!!111 U GOTTA C THIS!!!!11" That's right, meatloafers, my website sacrificed its only begotten PageRank for your sins.

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