Here's a goldie oldie for you: Years back on this blog I would have a semi-regular feature called searchbag which would always start with a spiel like this:
"Hello, True Believers! It's time once again to pull up a few items from the search-bag, that list of search terms tracked by my b2evolution stats which show some of the phrases which landed people here. What I'm mostly interested in are the "near-misses" - those phrases which show that the searcher came here looking for something that was almost, but not quite, entirely unhere."
And man, you wouldn't believe the cra-a-a-azy things people typed into Google and company that landed them here...
Does looking up penguin pictures mean you have a mental problem?
Yes. I mean really, it's a matter of scale. Just as a one-time thing, no, not at all. But if it's constant, it's all you can think about, it's interfering with other parts of your life, it's the only thing in your life with meaning, then yes. You didn't specify all that, so the default assumption is that if you have to ask, it is a mental problem.
penguin graphics smoking weed
Here it is:
PS What is it with geeks and pot lately? I could see other non-linear creative pursuits, like musicians or visual artists, but a linear exercise like programming? Isn't it hard enough already to remember what all your inherited classes do without being blazed?
can we agree that the plural of abacus is abaci
It's fine with me, but this is the Internet. We still haven't settled 100 other, more obvious and common spelling and grammar controversies, so good luck with that.
ubuntu means slackware is too difficult for me
I can't believe I didn't think of this one myself. And I actually went from Slackware to Ubuntu, too. Maybe it's a message from me in the future.
accidentally clicked on something labeled nsfw could my boss see that
I'm ready to write a doctoral thesis on the "NSFW" disease. It is a disease, a phobia caused by childhood anxiety about over-controlling parents and the fear that they'd find your porn stash and beat you with a belt and send you to reform school. Freud could probably trace it back to something to do with dad finding out about your Oedipal fantasies and punishing you in some unspeakable primal way. Folks, seriously, NOBODY GIVES A HOT FART WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN! It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, IT DOESN'T MATTER! Everybody else within sighting distance is more likely than not looking at their own screen. And if you work somewhere where you still have to explain that you accidentally had something unsavory pop up on your screen for a moment, you are working for Fred Flintstone in the stone club factory and you should quit right now and move out of the Jurassic era.
....wait, I think there's more...
I swear, I'm going to develop a Tyler Durden alter-ego and run around splicing porn clips into otherwise-safe media until this ridiculous mass panic stops! (extra leftover exclamation points: !!!!!!) There are scenes that actually pass in a Disney cartoon that if you put them online, they'd be hooted at by the NSFW-screech-owls! (bwah ha ha the rant-rage feeds itself) There is nothing, nothing at all, that could not be labeled "NSFW." EVEN THE LETTERS IN NSFW??? (Oops, I mean !!!) Noooo wiiiire haaaaangers iiiiiin thiiiiis hoooooouuuuuse!!!!!! EVAR!!!!
*Pant pant pant puffff pant.*
Whew. OK, where was I?
hacker kid has to save the world movie
Don't you hate those? But the public loves 'em. I even parody this in the webcomic I draw which I'm not going to name or link to this time, and what the hell, the character I use as the parody is becoming one of the most popular (or, at least, most commented-upon) characters in the strip. That's just the way the cracker cracks. It's a combination of the tropes Wake Up Go To School Save The World and Magical Computer.
how to stop being a geek
Ooooh, maybe this twelve-step program will do the trick:
- Watch lots of TV. No sci-fi!
- Get rid of all computers and digital devices larger than your cell phone.
- Start paying attention to sports. Pick a favorite sport and team.
- Switch to any non-technology career.
- Go to the doctor and get diagnosed with something requiring medicating. The idea here is to treat your intelligence like a disease and seek to rid yourself of it.
- Get a firm religious conviction. Believe the literal, fundamental truth of every word of its scripture.
- Join the tea-bagger party.
- Buy Hallmark cards for every person on every occasion.
- Throw away all your books.
- Get all of your news from TV. Pick one station and be loyal to it, swallowing every word spoon-fed to you.
- Dump your current significant other and aim to hook up with someone a little closer to the mundane end of the spectrum. Someone who will look down on your for using big words.
- Wear a suit and tie.
Practice all of the above for a year, and you'll be a changed person.
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Jeeebus Pete - I work for the feds and you wouldn't believe the pile of paperwork you have to fill out if a tittie pops up on your screen at work! I almost peed myself laughing when I read that bit...