Who's Colonel Panic? Is he any relation to General Failure?

No. 43: How Not To Be a Geek

Date/Time Permalink: 04/06/07 06:17:48 am
Category: Humor

I love checking search stats for my site, because sometimes the phrases people have typed in are a source of inspiration. Truth: this search, "tips on how not to be a geek" has been kicking around in the search-bag for a while, whilst I'se a-ponderin' 'pon it. All right, Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous Googler, this one's just for you (with deepest apologies to Monty Python):

(Camera shows a crowd of people at a mall.)

NARRATOR: There are 47 people in this picture. None of them are geeks. In this picture, we are going to show you how not to be a geek.

(Camera view changes to an ordinary man standing on the sidewalk, wearing a leather jacket and jeans.)

NARRATOR: This is Morty, an unassuming fellow in inconspicuous street clothes. He does not appear to be a geek. Morty, will you please open your jacket?

(Morty opens his jacket, to reveal a COMDEX T-shirt. A football jock immediately rushes into frame, tackles Morty, hauls him into a men's room and dunks him head-down in a toilet, giving him a swirly.)

NARRATOR: This demonstrates the importance of not being a geek.

(A bookstore, with a woman with her back to us browsing the magazine rack, featuring Vogue, Seventeen, etc.)

NARRATOR: This is Teresa. She does not appear to be a geek. She seems interested in ordinary, vanilla pursuits instead. Teresa, would you please turn around?

(Teresa turns to face the camera, and we see she was holding an O'Reilly Javascript book to her chest. A huge female sumo wrestler charges in from off-screen, hefts the screaming Teresa, hauls her into the women's room and dunks her head-first into a toilet, giving her a swirly.)

(A set of bleachers at a sporting event, with a man seated and watching something in the distance. He has one hand in his pocket.)

NARRATOR: This is Gordon, in a very non-geeky setting. There doesn't seem to be anything geeky about him. Gordon, will you show us what's in your pocket?

(Gordon smirks, shakes his head, goes back to whatever he was watching.)

NARRATOR: Gordon has learned the first lesson of not being a geek: not to reveal your geekiness. However, he is in an environment where there is a risk of being found out.

(A mob of NASCAR fans storm in from nowhere and grab Gordon, frisking him. They pull a handful of multi-sided role-playing dice out of his pocket. The NASCAR mob carries Gordon to a trash dumpster and throws him in. They then pull the handle on the dumpster and flush it, giving him a swirly.)

(The camera is focused down, in a public restroom, outside a closed stall door, under which can be seen a pair of sneakers.)

NARRATOR: Newton has presented us with a poser. Social mores prevent us from interacting directly with Newton at a time like this; however with the proper bait, he can be persuaded to out himself anyway.

(From out-of-frame, an unseen hand rolls a baseball across the floor just in front of the door. No reaction from Newton. Next, a can of beer rolls across the floor. Still no reaction from Newton. Last, a plastic toy model of the Starship Enterprise drops noisily to the floor.)

NEWTON: Hey! An NC-1701 from the original movie!

(A hand reaches down from inside the stall to grab the model. The camera does not change angle as a pair of legs runs in, kicks open the door, runs in the stall, and we hear a scuffle, and then a flush.)

NEWTON: Auuuggh! *gurgle* *gurgle*

(Camera outdoors, pans slowly across a wide, lush landscape, obviously a public park.)

NARRATOR: When we called on Emily and Wilbur, we were informed that they were gone for the three-day weekend. However, a co-worker at the next cubicle told us where they were.

(The camera stops on a a clearing in the park with a festival going on. A banner over the festival says "Ye Olde Merry Renaissance Faire". A man and woman are just leaving the festival, dressed in natural fiber 18th century gear. A giant, spinning toilet falls out of the sky bowl-down on top of them, covering them completely and flushing.)

NARRATOR: And here is where the co-worker who told us where they were works.

(An office cubicle, festooned with Babylon 5 posters, Lord of the Rings action figures, a shelf of Unix manuals, and a computer showing a screen full of PHP code. The entire cubicle flushes.)

NARRATOR: And this is where he lives.

(The exterior of a house. From inside the house, we can hear a toilet flushing and "Auuuggh! *gurgle* *gurgle*".)

NARRATOR: And this is where he hangs out.

(In a living room, a card table and four chairs host a Magic the Gathering game, with the camera at table-top level and four players, one of whom is laying out mana cards. The sound effect of a toilet flushing happens, and the table, chairs, and players start slowly spinning around.)


And now, for something completely different.

yet another pointless sig

NOTE: Somebody with a video camera and a crew could film this, post it on YouTube, and leave me a link in the comments so we can all go see it. In fact, why hasn't it happened already?

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