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Conspiratards FINALLY bonk their noses on the one NSA fact I've been screaming about for my entire life.

Date/Time Permalink: 12/28/13 11:37:24 am
Category: Prophecies

#Snowdenoia

Cory Doctorow, tied for "World's Biggest Douche" and "World's Biggest Idiot", has just now posted a story on the NSA circlejerk that illuminates the fact I've been yelling at everybody for years.

Allow me to quote "Penguin Pete's Law of Surveillance" (citation)(citation)(citation):

It does not matter how MUCH data you collect. What matters is having the EYEBALLS to READ that data.

I don't know how many times I've reposted that simple rule. While the tech community has collectively made such assholes of themselves that I've been practically blackballed out of it for daring to point out that you're all panicking about NOTHING. But now that you've heard it from Cory Doctorow, your God who can Do No Wrong, does anybody believe me now?

Huh? Do you??? Do any of you understand this simple, simple, simple fact now?

It does not matter how MUCH data you collect. What matters is having the EYEBALLS to READ that data.

The NSA, CIA, DHS, FBI, Google, Microsoft, Apple, IBM, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur can save every byte of data about all the people in the world 24-7 forever. It doesn't matter. The World Wide Web alone churns out more data in a day than the entire world population could read in their lifetimes - remember that a huge chunk of Internet data is just bots. It doesn't matter how many cameras are pointed at you. Nobody is watching them. It doesn't matter how many bots warehouse your Twitter mumblings. Nobody has the time to read them. It doesn't even matter how many "A.I." bots you have shoveling through the data looking for patterns. Just the maintenance overhead alone to maintain such a behemoth would be more than the collective processing power of the human race at this point in time. And, speaking as a programmer, there's no way to make it better.

Nineteen Eighty-Four, like many science fiction novels, failed at math: It is impossible to have this world where everybody has a telescreen in their house 24-7 watching their every move. That's because to watch 7 billion people, you need to hire 7 billion people. In shifts. And pay them. And give them holidays and sick leave.

The failure to understand this simple fact must be related to the weakness in human reasoning that makes people fall for pyramid schemes and multi-level marketing scams.

I'm still giving up on trying to teach anybody anything anymore. You're all just too stupid.

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The Last Laugh: Edward The Lying Snowjob Is Now A Bum On The Streets Of Russia

Date/Time Permalink: 10/07/13 01:01:41 pm
Category: Prophecies

Just had to revisit the most sensationalized and hyped (and LIED) story in the history of tech journalism. This one last time, snowy-boy has been shown to be the washed-up con artist he always was. Gawker breaks the photo:

Oh... not what everybody but me expected, heh? How the mighty have fallen.

Things to note about what this photo does NOT show:

  • He is NOT, as he claimed, running around in disguise.
  • He is NOT getting chased by US special agents, Navy seals, black helicopters, Dr. No, or black-ops ninjas.
  • He does NOT have a gorgeous, glamorous {pole-dancer / ballerina / acrobat / hooker} girlfriend on his arm.
  • He is NOT accompanied by an adoring entourage hanging on his every word.
  • He is NOT being a spy now, as opposed to his claim of having been "a spy all his life."
  • He is walking on asphalt, NOT water.

The article says, quoting his lawyer: "It should be noted he is quite poor... at the moment he is living on donations... However, the money he has left is very little."

Oh, so he's out of work, living on handouts, and pushing a shopping cart down the street? Yeah, we have a word for that here in the states. It's called A BUM! Snowjob has ditched what little chance he had to be a productive citizen in the world to become exiled from his home country, forced to cope in a foreign culture as he struggles to learn the language, and leeching off society for the rest of his life.

Not the international man of intrigue, not the sex symbol of the year, not being awarded a Nobel Peace prize or a Human Rights award or any of the other lies you've heard, not a swashbuckling superhero spinning through the sky on feats of daring-do. Just a regular old bum. A bum who could, in fact, do nothing and change nothing, because he knows nothing and never knew anything to begin with.

The only way this photo could make me happier is if Glenn Greenwald was right there beside him.

This has been yet another prophecy spake by Penguin Pete which hath come to pass. See you all on my back the next time I try to do you all a favor and warn you that you're being conned!

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THANK YOU, British Government, For Stamping Out Snowdenoia!

Date/Time Permalink: 08/19/13 08:41:47 pm
Category: Prophecies

Seeing as how I'm already the most hated person on the Internet for being the sole dissenting voice in the Summer of Snowdenoia, I guess I'd better be first in line to put on my pom-poms and cheer for the UK. Because British officials came down on The Guardian, shutting down their political muckraking at LAST!!!

Yeah, what took them so long?

The rest of you, as usual, with cry that this is a blow against freedom. As usual, it will take a few months for the hyper-frenzy to recede. As usual, you will then all be asking yourselves what the hell you were thinking. As usual, I will point to #Occupy Wall Street, "End the Fed!", the "Ron Paul R[3V0_|]ution", and the mass delusional panic over SOPA, PIPA, CISPA, ACTA, etc., as one more time when the mob ruled the Internet and the technology blogosphere, much gnashing of teeth and soiling of diapers came to pass, and in the end, nothing happened.

When will you all ever learn?

Blow against freedom? Exposure of government wrongdoing? "Whistleblowing"? Bullshit.

All Snowdenoia was about, all summer long, was a handful of tin-foil-hat Libertarians (Wrong and Random Paul, Julian Assange, Bradley Manning, Glenn Greenwald, and the Snowjob himself, Edward Snowden) trying to forcibly oust Obama or touch off World War 3 between the US and everybody else, at all costs. It was all bluff and smoke and mirrors, "freedom theater" for your summer wanktardy entertainment.

Did you all have fun? For those of you who turned on your friends and associates, was it worth it? For those of you who disrupted the World Wide Web, which all of us must share with you, so you can indulge yourselves in your little temper tantrum, do you feel better now?

When will you all ever learn?

When will you all ever learn?

Because the conspiracy theorists will hit you again, come the start of June 2014. Once again, there will be a carefully engineered circus of yellow journalism designed to keep the gullible fools in their basements, feverishly calling for an Internet revolution. There will be a bogeyman for you to be scared of, constructed of your comic book villains and cyberpunk nightmares. Mob frenzy will be stirred, pitchforks and torches will be handed out. There will be sharpsters exploiting your gullibility. All your favorite charlatans and conjurers of fear will come out of the woodwork with their hands out, soaking you for donations and hassling you to hassle each other with petitions and website blackouts and hacktivist DDOSs.

When?

See you next June, hacktivists! Summer is over, and it's time to get back to business.

FOOTNOTE: How wonderfully, deliciously ironic is it that Glenn Greenwald, the chief screaming source of all the idiotic muckraking against the United States, was slapped down by the UK, and NOT the United States? Your politically-gay "boyfriend" gets detained at Heathrow, and the UK government destroys your mouthpiece's computers? All without fair trial, due process, rights per Miranda, protection under that famous 4th Amendment everybody's wringing their hands about?

Gee, Mr. Greenwald, I guess the United States ISN'T the Worst County In The World, now, bloody well isn't it? Over in the US, drama queens left and right throw themselves onto their swords because they just can't take the angst anymore. But where is the free reporting suppressed? In the UK. Who keeps Snowden in an airport for months while they decide whether they can allow him to enter the country? That would be Russia. Who kicks Snowden out of the country and denies him Visa to come back? That was China. So far, the US has barely lifted a finger against the Greenwald army, and what does that say about the most hated government on the Internet? That it is right, that I am right, and the feeble-brained hacktivists are wrong.

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Edward Snowden Is Lying His Ass Off - part 2

Date/Time Permalink: 06/22/13 02:11:46 pm
Category: Prophecies

I hate to say "I told you so!"

So I'll let Jeff say it for me:

As the weeks have gone by, more and more people in the media are starting to wake up to the fact that Edward Snowden is a great big con. See below:


Let's start with a good recap of the sloppy lack of fact-checking that has gone on with basically every word reported about this story since day one, at this excellent post where Joshua Foust bravely takes on the Snowden circlejerk.


Now then, I (and many others) have been wondering "How did a GED-holder manage to get hired by US intelligence?" Well, we're getting our answer: It turned out Snowden faked his resume...

"[Snowden] stated on his resume earlier this year he attended computer-related classes at Johns Hopkins University, a Tokyo campus of the University of Maryland and the University of Liverpool in Britain.

According to the sources, the resume stated that Snowden "estimated" he would receive a master's degree in computer security from Liverpool sometime this year.

Some of the educational information listed on the resume did not check out..."


Oh, and while we're at it, the US Office of Personnel Management is now investigating the firm that should have run Snowden's background check.

"Senator Claire McCaskill described the probe into USIS as a criminal investigation into allegations the company systemically failed to adequately conduct investigations under its contract."

Oh, so he fudged his background check too. That explains the clearance.

Still trusted every word Snowden says? Combined with his inflation of his reported salary at Booz Allen Hamilton, that's three flat out lies he's been caught in already. And that pretty much covers every employer he's ever had.


Snowden's supporters lie too. Here's how one story posted to Reddit was titled:

"Snowden smuggled thousands of classified documents on one of the portable devices, despite the military’s efforts to ban them. Investigators also know how many documents were downloaded from NSA and what server he took them from"

The actual article being linked to is in fact the week-old cold coffee article on the LA Times. Search for the word 'thousands' there and carefully read the context...

"Bradley Manning, an intelligence analyst in Iraq, downloaded hundreds of thousands of classified documents..."

No mention of any such "thousands" by Snowden.

The only smear campaign going on right now is by the typical Libertarian Paultard tin-foil-hat crowd, who are frantically trying to stamp out all opinion on the web that casts Snowden as anything less than the second coming - even going so far as to add your name to a watch list of "government conspirators." I've already been accused of being a shill for the NSA, undercover agent, etc., just for blogging this story.

So if anybody else out there is getting intimidated in social media, such that they're being discouraged from voicing their fair skepticism, feel free to tell us about it here. Long-time readers will know just how much I love taking on bullies!


In case you missed them the first time, a few more reports also saying that the Snowden story sounds Moby-Dick-size fishy:


And last but certainly not least, there's the question of the reporter who broke the story. As became known just today, Glenn Greenwald has now stepped into the story and made it about his own political views.

Which violates the hell out of journalistic integrity. When you make it obvious that you, yourself, have an ax to grind, you've pretty much damned the public's faith in you to present the bare facts of the story without meddling in it. If this turns out to be equal parts fabrication between Greenwald and Snowden, we'll also be able to look back and see exactly where the gun started smoking.


In closing, I point out again - as deaf as the tin-foil-hatties will be to the disclaimer - that I'm against government invasions of privacy and especially against wasteful, bungling, expensive bureaucracies that have minuscule gain traded off for maximum hassle. I'm also going to again point out that scandals about US Intel overstepping their authority are as old as US Intel. I'm glad US Intel agencies have been cut almost 10% under the Obama administration, and I'm clamoring for them to be cut a bunch more. As soon as everybody gets over their 9/11 paranoia, I'm hoping that finally it will be time to have a conversation about cutting defense? If anything, the lesson of Snowden is that our Intel infrastructure has gotten so sprawling, careless, and sloppy that trailer trash can run in and grab stuff and run out and wave it around - even if they have no clue what they're doing, as in Snowden's case.

US Intel is a runaway freight train that needs to be stopped. But clown shows like Snowden (and Greenwald, we're looking at you too), hurt, not help, but hurt the cause they purport to advocate for.

EDIT I just researched Glenn Greenwald and... holy crap! It's all him! Wrong Paul, Julian Assange, Occupy Wall Street, Bradley Manning, CISPA / SOPA paranoia, Anonymous, Aaron Swartz... every circlejerk that's happened on the web has been Glenn Greenwald, this human shit volcano, the whole TIME! Just about every time I've had to speak out because my tech world is getting so disrupted that it's impossible to get anything else productive said on the web, it's been him.

Update 6/24/13: Our hero, David Gregory, asks Glenn Greenwald - to his face - why Greenwald shouldn't be charged with a crime along with Snowden. Greenwald doesn't have an answer. Yeah, I'd like to know, too!

As far as I can tell, Greenwald just wants to pick as many fights as he can between the US and everybody else. So his little Libertarian regime can take its place. Nice try, Pol Pot, but a lawyer-to-reporter doth not a general make, particularly when the only army you can mobilize is gullible online LULZsec kids.

UPDATE 8/29/13: This Slashdot comment is gold. Somebody else gets the right picture... finally! This was yet another story on Slashdot caroling the hackerly heroism of Snowden... and that comment smacks the story back in its place.

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Edward Snowden Is Lying His Ass Off About The NSA and PRISM

Date/Time Permalink: 06/13/13 09:06:07 pm
Category: Prophecies

You read the headline right: "Edward Snowden is lying his ass off about the NSA and PRISM." And now I will show you the evidence:


#1. He's lied about his salary already.

Snowden said he was making $200,000 at Booz Allen Hamilton, Booz Allen Hamilton says they only paid him $122,000 - and fired him. Furthermore, he only worked at Booz Allen for three months before taking off, so he didn't even get that much, since that figure is an annual salary.


#2. He's also lied about his job history.

Let's see here: High-school dropout, US Army but discharged for injuring himself during training (having never seen active duty), worked at the NSA as a security guard, quit to hop over to the CIA, merrily skipped back to Booz Allen to subcontract with the NSA again... and every place he's worked at was a few months steady employment at a time. Oh, and he worked undercover all over the world, too. Has anybody else heard of anybody getting such globe-trotting, glamorous mileage out of a GED? Apparently all you people out there sweating four years of college have the system all wrong.

Here's several doubts raised in this Washington Post article:

"For instance, Snowden said he did not have a high school diploma. One former CIA official said that it was extremely unusual for the agency to have hired someone with such thin academic credentials, particularly for a technical job, and that the terms Snowden used to describe his agency positions did not match internal job descriptions.

Snowden’s claim to have been placed under diplomatic cover for a position in Switzerland after an apparently brief stint at the CIA as a systems administrator also raised suspicion. “I just have never heard of anyone being hired with so little academic credentials,” the former CIA official said. The agency does employ technical specialists in overseas stations, the former official said, “but their breadth of experience is huge, and they tend not to start out as systems administrators.”

A former senior U.S. intelligence official cited other puzzling aspects of Snowden’s account, questioning why a contractor for Booz Allen at an NSA facility in Hawaii would have access to something as sensitive as a court order from the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court."


#3. A freshman high school student could make a better Powerpoint than this.

So far, the entire alleged PPT file has yet to see the light of day. But from what we see of the slides so far, they don't look like anything created by a government entity, no matter how inept government entities may be. They look like they were created by a crazy person who lies a lot and has delusional spy fantasies. (Or, as the media persists in calling him, a "computer whiz". It's like cheez whiz, but with computers.)

The alleged logo, especially?

I was drawing better than this in my first POVRay experiments back in the '90s. If you believe that this is an actual internal logo created by a US government entity to represent their own program, and not something cooked up by a manchild who suffers from mental problems and watching too many Matrix sequels, please go find a marker and write "STUPID" on your forehead as a warning to the rest of us. I want to be sure to give you the right of way when I meet you at an intersection.


#4. He also claims that he, himself, has impossible surveillance powers.

His claim: "But I, sitting at my desk, had the authority to wiretap anyone, from you or your accountant to a federal judge to even the president if I had a personal email."

The Director of the NSA himself has declared this untrue. Not just that Snowden wouldn't have had that level of clearance, but that nobody, even God himself, has that level of clearance. In fact, the technology itself sounds far-fetched; being able to punch in an email and have it come up with the correct line, area code, extensions, and all, internal or external, listed or private, would likely take a database bigger than anything on one of Google's server farms. After all, even Google doesn't crawl every web page!

An NSA and CIA lawyer also calls this an outrageous pack of lies. It just doesn't work that way; not that US Intelligence can't intercept data streams, but that there are processes and red tape in the way, like there are in any government operation.

Ditto for Snowden's claim about the NSA being able to just jack into every technology company on earth whenever it whims. That's also not just not happening, but impossible.


#5. Snowden also manipulated the newspapers to rush the story without fact-checking it.

According to this report, Snowden played the Guardian and the Washington Post off each other, threatening to publish with the other if they first didn't publish soon enough without fact-checking.


#6. I, myself, have worked security for a government contractor.

Snowden claims that he was able to steal documents from the NSA using a USB thumb drive, while working as a security guard.

I don't mention it often because it was just my starter job back in the late '80s and early '90s, and not what I consider my finest achievement, but yeah, I worked the rent-a-cop beat too:

Here's my old badge, if you'll permit the silliness of posting its photo for proof. With a Rubik's cube, just like Snowden has. And yeah, I'm an autodidact too. And while working as a security guard, one of the places I was posted at was a Parker Hannifin facility in Irvine, California, an outfit which made (and still makes, maybe) parts for the aerospace industry, including government vehicles of both a military and space-faring nature. OK, granted, I can't prove anything beyond owning this tin badge I've had put away in a drawer for years, but I'm sure a reporter with FACT-CHECKING SKILLS could verify everything I claim in my work history.

I'm doing this to point out that, despite having been promoted up as high as post commander within Pinkerton and despite having obtained both full weapons permits and some rudimentary government clearance, I was NOT given top-drawer access to every nook and cranny of the inner workings of NASA and Army designs. Anybody with the title of "security guard" would most likely be spending most of their time either in the parking lot, a booth at the gate, or a desk at the lobby, with a side order of scheduled patrol rounds - most of them outside.

Granted, I suppose I could have gathered up armloads of equipment from the facility and run out to the street to heave them onto the sidewalk and scream "Look! Secrets!" but then, I'm not a lying thief like Snowden is.


#7. Snowden's a Paultard.

Yeah, I know, that's not proof or evidence of anything that would discredit him...

...but it ought to be. Can there be any surer calling card of the crazies in our society than contributions to Wrong Paul's campaigns?


#8. Snowden is one of you.

Sure as hell isn't one of us.

But one of you... as his interests along his lifetime are reflected in his digital footprint under the screen name of "The True HOOHA." Yes, far from having left a hackerly "small digital footprint" as many are claiming, he has in fact always been right in front of us, being a whore for attention, clowning it up with juvenile fratboy-ish stunts, being a video game and anime fan, and of course being a Paultard online in forums.

Check this. This, ladies and gentlemen, is your International Man of Mystery, your Hombre Secreto, the guy who says he's, quote, "always been a spy," unquote.


Conclusion:


I don't lay the blame entirely on him. He's a sick, pathetic, delusional, wasted con artist with serious mental issues and a few crimes to answer for if even half of his stories are true. I blame the media circus that has been built around this figure. I can't think of a single major publication that hasn't fallen for this human firehose of bullshit, and I'm personally never trusting the "reporters" who broke and built and hyped this story ever again, not even if they just say that water's wet.

Finally, I'm blaming all of you for tolerating this shit. You're wallowing in it. It's not funny. Government is serious business, and once again the Internet Hacktivist Hivemind has ruined the serious business of fixing what's wrong with government.

Please go put yourselves to bed without any supper tonight, and then never give this idiot another minute of attention as long as he lives.

UPDATE And lo it came to pass the very next day, Snowden Is Lying, Say House Intelligence Committee Leaders You're welcome for the tip, Slashdot!

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To Mozilla and the Rest Of The Open Source Community: Stop Making Idiots Of Yourselves About PRISM

Date/Time Permalink: 06/12/13 08:21:43 pm
Category: Prophecies

All this howling in the wind will accomplish exactly doodly squat, just like the howling over these non-stories accomplished:

  • PATRIOT
  • (end) The Fed
  • DMCA
  • KONY2012
  • Net Neutrality
  • OWS
  • NDAA
  • SOPA
  • PIPA
  • ACTA
  • CISPA

Every summer, huh? Hey, how did #OccupyWallStreet go for you? Huh? You sure changed that 99%-vs-1% situation around, didn't you? But we got that pretty souvenir hashtag out of it. I was right about all of the above being alarmist bread-and-circus prolefeed soap-opera bullshit that didn't mean anything, AND I'M RIGHT ABOUT THIS TOO!

I'll tell you right now: Every bill, law, or act ever to be proposed in Washington forever that brings the "hacktivist" cockroaches out of the Internet IN THE FUTURE will also be alarmist bread-and-circus prolefeed soap-opera bullshit that won't mean anything, pass or not, AND I'M RIGHT ABOUT THAT, TOO, AND EVERYBODY READING THIS KNOWS IT.

Let me put this straight:

I am no longer tolerating willful stupidity in my open source community. I expect it from prepubescent stoned bums hiding in mommy's basement in a nest of filth, not from a corporation.

The government is not snooping anything in 2013 that it wasn't already snooping in 2003, 1993, 1983, 1973, 1963...

It does not matter how much data the government collects. The US intelligence and antiterror community is already the most enormous and inefficient bureaucracy in human history. They aready have 25 copies in 13 agency branches of everything you think you're going to stop them from collecting. Let them collect more data they can't read, can't parse, can't process, can't afford to warehouse. LET THEM CHOKE ON IT

This whole moronic fiasco over the NSA and PRISM is a fake, contrived, reality-show, tabloid piece timed precisely at the first day of summer vacation to give delusional students something to piss about for three months and then forget forever. The petition goes nowhere, does nothing, couldn't change anything even if it did do something.

Not only is this not how a first-world democracy works, you are not even smart enough to participate in one.

Every word that has come out of Edward Snowden's mouth is a BIG FAT LIE, which WILL be demonstrated presently as soon as the fact-checking branches of the media (if such an animal exists, hello out there?) catch up with his BIG FAT LYING MOUTH.

Everybody who cares what kind of reputation the technology community has, needs to be boycotting any company or media source that mentions this gum-flapping idiocy one more single time. How about the people with actual SENSE do some activism for a change???

Huh? Where's Snowden's credentials? So far I haven't seen so much as a driver's license out of this kid, just four or five tabloid magazines who went on to cover his freaking girlfriend. Ask yourselves, people, is it more likely that a big bad organization like the NSA, supposedly capable of blowing out the sun (to hear you people tell it) couldn't stop one zitty pothead from defeating their dastardly plans... or is the whole story a crock?

Seriously, nobody but me has the wisdom to see through this?

Nobody but me had the wisdom to see through PATRIOT, The Fed, DMCA, KONY2012, OWS, SOPA, PIPA, ACTA, or CISPA, either. What, am I to just keep throwing it away for free out here?

I worked in government, too, you know. I also work in media. I'm the one blowing the real whistle here. Where's my cover story Time magazine spread?

And if you want somebody to stop watching you, the thing to do is sit down and shut up!!!

Footnote While prowling the archives of one of the greatest blogs ever, WFMU's "Beware of the Blog", I chanced upon this masterpiece of a pullquote:

"One thing I see the liberal writers saying over and over is, “Americans aren’t stupid.” I can’t believe that the pointy-heads who say that have ever been to America because, if they had, they’d realize that lots of Americans are, indeed, stupid. Deeply stupid. Not only are they stupid, but they are personally offended by anyone who’s smart. The teacher asks a question. You answer the question correctly. “You think you’re so smart!” hisses the stupid American kid sitting next to you in class. If you’re really smart, you’ll soon realize the only way to get along is to play dumb. If only 10% of Americans are stupid, that’s still millions and millions of people, or “voters” as our politicians like to call them."

Well said, Iowa Firecracker. Very, very well said.

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Can I Eat This Plate of Crow Over My Steam-on-Linux Prophecy Or Not?

Date/Time Permalink: 03/07/13 09:28:11 am
Category: Prophecies

It's been about six months since I huffed that Steam on Linux will never happen. Many of you out there confidently asserted that I'd eat crow on this particular prophecy.

Well, you could have fooled me. In fact, you did. Ten years of relentless hype-hype-HYPE, vaporware promises, press releases with all the substance of cotton candy, all led to my expectation that this was another Duke Nukem Forever, another Chinese Democracy, another The Last Dangerous Visions. If anything, I was hoping that goading from bloggers like me would drive Valve Software to either put up or shut up. God knows, if the energy of media-sucking barking had been put into biting, Steve Ballmer would be writing Ubuntu packages by now.

Well, the waiter has brought my crow and I'm sitting here with my fork and knife ready to call this one a busted prophecy. Except... the suspense is killing me. Steam on Linux keeps almost, but not quite, being almost entirely unrealized.

Latest update I've seen is this Slashdot story, uttering its tiny cheer for Linux getting a 2% market share of Steam now.

Gabby Jay says yay

What I expect when I hear "Steam on Linux" is a native binary, with full support, with all of the Steam games on it.

What this Slashdot commenter says is:

"A respectable showing? The steam client may be the greatest thing ever but there isn't even a single current AAA title available. Not one. The biggest game they've got is half-life 1. It was released in 1998. 15 years ago. That's something we should be getting from gog.com. This looks to me like a token effort in order to get some cheap advertising on Linux friendly sites such as Slashdot.

News flash, that game's so old it probably plays perfectly in wine anyway. When steam for Linux starts getting AAA titles within a few weeks of the windows release then they will have something worth talking about."

Several point out that so far, "Steam on Linux" = Counter-Strike, Half-Life, and Team Fortress 2. That's nice and all, but even if 50% title support were considered a decent showing, that's 927 titles shy. Steam is rapidly becoming the Microsoft of digital game distributors, too, at about a 70% market share.

Another Slashdot commenter rattles the bones of the ASUS Linux laptop - remember that swell little ditty? (2007: ASUS Eee PC / 2009: "It's better with Windows") For technology corporations, "I'll switch to Linux" has become the way to make Microsoft renegotiate with you. It's the equivalent of ticked-off American voters declaring that they're moving to Canada.

Hey, I'm glad for Steam and game fans and Linux anyway, if this comes through. But realistically, do you really think Steam gives that much of a darn about running on Linux, or is this just a hole card against Microsoft? You've been watching this sitcom for a while now, right? Yes, like you, I want to believe. But reality hasn't done much to reinforce that desire in the past.

But maybe it will this time?

Damn it, will somebody out there either poo or get off the pot? My crow is getting cold here.

Update: Meanwhile in proprietary land, people are grousing endlessly over the new Sim City having launch problems. That's just one game; gotten more criticism in a few days than Valve has gotten for an entire decade-long fiasco. Sure, it's so unreasonable of me to bring this up...

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Followup: It's been a month - Still No Native Steam Client On Linux

Date/Time Permalink: 09/20/12 04:23:38 pm
Category: Prophecies

Isn't it funny how the whole tech blog universe must light up with this perpetual cycle of unmitigated hype, hostility to lash out at anybody like me who calls "B.S.", and then a month later: It never happened?

A month ago, I responded to the relentless spamming of the Linux community by asstroturfers working for Valve Software and phoronix.org. I pointed out that "Steam on Linux" has been a wolf-cry for nearly an entire generation of users now. I opined that it was nothing but viral marketing for page view ad revenue and P.R. for a game corporation. After getting a massive backlash which rated me somewhere between a Nazi and a pedophile for daring to suggest such a thing (gee, you're all such a nice, sweet audience! :)), I made the further move of dropping it into the prophecies category. Oh ho ho, how wrong I was, hooted the tech blog world.

The originator of all the hype, the Valve-run blog known as Steamed Penguins, still has exactly two posts, from July 16th and August 1st. No updates, no progress, no follow-up. The Steam stories have disappeared from the front page of Phoronix.

Most recent Phoronix story, August 29th, crowed about the old news of Left-4-Dead running on Linux, as if it hadn't already been running on Wine on Linux for two years. Entirely through the graces of the Wine team, not anything to do with Valve. As I've pointed out, you can run anything on Wine with enough determination - that's what it's for! Running on Wine is not native, and without a native Steam client for Linux, Valve has nothing more to talk about than Adobe does when somebody gets P**S* running on Wine.

Oh, what of the Open Steam Works progress? The database still barely records an attempt to show the portal client, no games on it, but lots of SQL query errors showing at the bottom - my, there's a crack team working in the background on this "active" project! What happens when you click the 'about' tab? You get one word, which kind of says it all right there.

Welllllllllll?

Fell for it all, didn't you? You naive, gullible, bought-off little sheep. The hype crusade ended, all is quiet from the Phony-nix site and the full-of-Hot-Steam bloggers, and nobody has anything to show for all the angst. Year after year after year, you all fall for it over and over again. Go look up what Albert Einstein said was the definition of insanity. The Internet audience appears to have a reality slice of about a week. Anything before that is lost in the fog of amnesia.

Well, I hope I've kept this story short enough that you can all fit it into your THC-fried short-term memories. I'll try to make regular updates to this non-story until next year, when the spam-paign rolls around again like clockwork, just as it has for the past ten years.

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Moved to the Prophecies category: There will NEVER be a native Steam client for Linux

Date/Time Permalink: 08/13/12 03:42:16 pm
Category: Prophecies

After calling Valve / Steam / Phoronix on over a decade of shenanigans, I got a little backlash over it, which, together with further research, prompted me to move this to the prophecies category and be done with it. It is now an official Penguin Pete Prophecy:

There will NEVER be a native Steam client for Linux

Note that "native" does not count anything running on Wine, which has already been trying to port Steam for years and been sorta-successful. Note the most recent update, which has "Anything related with the Steam UI (Buying games, chat, selecting WHICH game to launch)" in the "not working" category yet lists the status as "platinum". Anywhere else on WineDB, not being able to play a game at all counts as "bronze" at best.

But the infamous "steamy" post over at Valve claims only to have tested "L4D2" on Linux and guess what? WineDB has already declared L4D (Steam) to have run "platinum" since 2010! That post on valvesoftware.com is already nearing a month old and that's all the progress they've claimed.

Running on Wine != native.

A Linux Elf-executable binary = native.

This "Steam on Linux" hype is nothing but woof-woof-woof-woof-woof, has been for over a decade, as I link in the previous post on the subject. I don't know what kind of troll-brain it takes to look at pages promising the same thing in the years 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, and 2003, and yet scream in 2012 "NO IT'S FOR REAL THIS TIME!" and expect us all to fall for it like stupid idiots.

It's to get page views and ad clicks and spam-market Valve - possibly also a bluff to threaten Microsoft in order to get them to cooperate more with Valve (companies have done this before). I wouldn't even be mentioning them, which gives them far more attention than they deserve, but they have apparently bought and pocketed most of the Linux blogosphere and set them all to spamming about Valve in big rainbow flashing gifs 24/7.

For God's sake, people, were you all born yesterday?

But because you all insist, we'll post it today and start counting the days. The problem with a "never going to happen" prophecy is that there's never a point where you can say "that's it, the deadline passed!" But as time goes on, perhaps this epoch will reveal to future generations just how cynical the world of corporate asstroturf is.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR BREAKDOWN:

En Vogue

"Never gonna get it, never gonna get it!
NEEEEEVER gonna get it, never gonna get it;
Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.
Never gonna get it. (whoa-whoa-WHOOOH-whoa)..."

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