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How To Find A Spy Dollar

Date/Time Permalink: 06/09/13 10:52:22 pm
Category: Humor

How to find a spy dollar.

If any of you readers pass this around, and we start seeing bills in circulation with the eye mutilated or marked over, we'll know our campaign to raise citizen's awareness is working!

PS If anybody doubts this, you could always direct them to the hollow spy dollar at the CIA museum website. It's just a coin hollowed out to a little safe, but it makes you think... It was actually referred to as a "spy dollar" at this old numismatic listing... Did I mention that I'm also a coin collector?

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Desperate 2AM Case Mod Butchering

Date/Time Permalink: 04/02/13 04:19:30 pm
Category: Humor

And THIS is what happens when you’re SICK and TIRED of driving back to the computer store to exchange yet another part that was almost, but not quite, the right one you needed.

Poor mangled computer

Poor mangled computer

Poor mangled computer

Yes, it runs. Beautifully, in fact. Out of SHEER TERROR.

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Top ten reasons I'm looking forward to the Mayan end of the world:

Date/Time Permalink: 12/18/12 03:53:54 pm
Category: Humor

Well, folks, it was a nice run, but it had to close out sometime. Let us take a lesson from Monty Python's Life of Brian and always look on the bright side of life as we whistle our way to world-ending weltschmerz.

Top ten reasons I'm looking forward to the Mayan end of the world:

  • (10) Microsoft Windows will FINALLY start working as well as other operating systems.
  • (9) No longer have to worry about what happens when the Unix calendar ends in 2038.
  • (8) I can bring my Rapture Catapult back out of mothballs.
  • (7) I'd rather face that feathered-snake thing the Mayans worshipped than that God guy.
  • (6) W3C finished the HTML5 specification just in time for it not to matter.
  • (5) I have plenty of practice rebuilding civilization from scratch through years of Minecraft addiction.
  • (4) What the hell, I'd already given up on ever having a flying car anyway.
  • (3) Now there will be plenty of IPv4 addresses to go around!
  • (2) At least we made it past Y2K!
  • (1) Threesome with Cthulhu!

BONUS BUCK: Sysadmins ask "Proper shutdown policy for the end of the world?"

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8 Kinds of American Problem Voters

Date/Time Permalink: 09/24/12 12:05:24 pm
Category: Humor

Problem American Voters

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These days, you have to be a hacker just to get anything done right.

Date/Time Permalink: 06/04/12 08:35:05 pm
Category: Humor

My new motto is: "Everything is broken, and no one knows why." I say it at least once a day now.

I used to be brilliant. I used to spend all my time getting nifty things done and then blogging my amazing feats, to the inspiration of all. Oh, bare, ruined choir, where late the sweet birds sang! Now, all of my extra skill is just spent running on the hamster-wheel trying to fix everything, because there are now enough incompetents in the world that more things are broken now then ever before, and we have reached the Idiocracy event-horizon.

Penguin Pete's Law Of The 2010s: For each thing that you can fix, there are three more people who are working in the background to break it in three new, unique, unexpected ways.

Take uploading a user avatar image. This used to work. I never came upon anybody who managed to break a user avatar method. Upload image, display image.

PInterest used to work. Then one day I logged into my PInterest account and found it like this:

That's my recognizable little blue snowflake logo. It's showing sliced in half. I've Googled up enough other people complaining about this and seen enough other PInterest profiles to know that it's not just me. Not caring about the "right" way to fix this, I just did this:

So now it's shrunk, but displays whole because the right side gets cut off. There's no point to spending more time on this than that. They'll just figure out how to break it more later.

And then on my Google+ profile...

You can see my (too big) flake logo there, but then they had to put this ditzy background behind it. I don't want that there. I want nothing there. You can't have nothing. You can only get "change cover photo" and it has to be either of two equally broken templates. Googled around for a fix, gave up, made a 1600x1200 blank white jpg and uploaded it. That's better:

That's sorta what I want. I know they will never give me the feature I wanted. They'll just figure out how to break it more later. But it'll be fun with people asking me "How did you get rid of your image?" Because nobody, nobody, ever, ever, thinks of these things but me. Lucky devils.

And then there's been my Yahoo! Answers profile, which has had my correct icon showing on the profile page, but still displays the gray smiley box next to my replies on Yahoo Answers. Because they used to have you use the same avatar from your Yahoo 360 blog, but they buried that dead horse a long time ago, so now they changed it and you have to do this, this, and this... I don't care. So on Yahoo! Answers, (not like I've even used the account in two years now) I'm a gray smiley face. No, no, don't tell me how to solve this one! I would have Googled it myself by now if I still cared.

It isn't worth fixing. They'll just figure out how to break it more later.

I know all of you go through this, too. We have reached the critical-mass of broken in the universe, a kind of quantum state of matter where everything stays broken the same way until you fix it, which causes a team of gremlins to wake up and come break it in a new way at light-speed.

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Linux Bloggers Everywhere Burst Into Tears At The Thought Of Having To Write One More SCO Trial Blog Post

Date/Time Permalink: 02/17/12 04:15:38 pm
Category: Humor

Please stop! I can't take it anymore! We've covered this again and again and again... We can't make any more jokes about it. We're wrung dry! This was beyond funny years ago. This went past funny to morbid to satire to back to funny to indifferently ignored and then surprisingly rediscovered and then forgotten again.

Just think, at the dawn of the first SCO filing:

  • We had not yet started the US-Iraq War.
  • The HBO TV series Carnivale had not yet premiered.
  • Martha Stewart had yet to see the inside of a courtroom.
  • Hurricane Katrina was still two years in the future.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger had not yet become California's governor.
  • Comedian Bob Hope was still alive.
  • Singer Johnny Cash was still alive.
  • "Swiftboating" was not a word.
  • The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King had yet to hit a theater.
  • Google had not yet launched Chrome.
  • Apple had not yet launched the iPhone.
  • Ubuntu had not yet launched its initial release.
  • And of course, I had not yet registered the domain penguinpetes.com.
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A Freelance Writer's Timesheet

Date/Time Permalink: 02/15/12 12:29:04 pm
Category: Humor

I used to work in the corporate world, slaving away in the cubicle salt-mines, until one day when I escaped by crawling through the ventilation vents. Now I'm free to work for myself, but I miss those little quirks of corporate life, like having to report every break like I was in first grade. So I decided to impose upon myself the practice of keeping a timesheet. All-in-all, this will help me not hide from myself when I'm being my own boss.

8:07 - Arrive in office. Morning commute wasn't too busy, being twenty steps or so from bed.
8:08 - 8:20 Check email. Nobody loves me.
8:20 - 8:45 Check newsfeeds. The world didn't blow up today, although a lot of people seem think so.
8:45 - 8:47 Post message to news-site board, politely correcting grammar. It's 'your' for possessive-case pronouns, 'you're' for a contraction of 'you are'.
8:48 - 8:53 Reply to flames that I'm an 'asshat' for pointing that out.
8:54 - 8:55 WRITING: Jot down memo in todo file: "draw funny picture of ass-shaped hat for Daily Funny".
8:55 - 8:56 Select reading material. Settled for newspaper comics page.
8:56 - 9:04 Morning reading break. Wait for spouse to finish with front page.
9:05 - 9:15 Make espresso.
9:16 - 9:21 WRITING: Jot down idea for futuristic dystopia where coffee is a controlled substance. Juan Valdez is now a street dealer.
9:22 - 9:30 Drink espresso. Ponder breakfast.
9:32 - 9:36 Check kitchen. Check online calorie counter.
9:37 - 9:39 Tweet. Browse Twitter feed. Clean out Twitter follow-list, un-following anybody whom fails to prompt my memory as to why I ever followed them in the first place.
9:39 - 9:40 WRITING Begin article for client.
9:40 - 10:10 ABIWord plonks.
10:10 - 10:15 Search computer for signs of file I was editing. Nope, the crash ate it.
10:16 - 10:45 Search Internet for "ABIWord crashes without warning when opening two files". Find nothing helpful, but hundreds of people asking about the same problem in forums.
10:45 - 10:47 Side-tracked into Wikipedia dive, starting from "text editors" and arriving at "semaphore".
10:48 - 10:50 WRITING Jot down idea in idea-file "Morse code poetry". Will use somewhere.
10:50 - 11:33 Finally get hungry enough for breakfast. Used up 76% of my calorie quota for the day.
11:33 - 11:43 Post-breakfast espresso break.
11:44 - 11:46 Check weight. Scale is wonky plus or minus ten pounds. Rock back and forth on feet, average differences.
11:46 - 12:18 Attempt to answer question in online forum about fiat-currency vs. gold standard. Waste several paragraphs trying to explain basic economics before I realize that I'm dealing with a Libertarian whose whole picture of reality comes from Robert A. Heinlein novels.
12:19 - 1:12 RESEARCH "Extraordinary Delusions and the Madness of Crowds", find no compelling mention of goldbug mania.
1:13 - 1:40 Find online ezine for survivalist / gun-nut / conspiracy demographic. RESERCH Browse archive.
1:40 - 1:41 Save image of naked women posed with semi-automatics and bandoliers in war-torn compound setting. New desktop wallpaper, necessary for creative inspiration.
1:42 - 2:29 WRITING Article: "Why Gold Standard Advocates Are Full Of Doo-Doo"
2:29 - 2:41 Email clients. Try to sell gold-standard article. Justify it as appealing to hip-hop music fans via the "bling" connection.
2:42 - 3:30 Rewrite article toning down the angry rant part. Yay, I sold something!
3:31 - 3:55 Discover that I have misplaced client's prior work folder. Search computer. Try to SSH into other computer to search there, discover my SSH configuration is messed up because the computer changed its IP address after rebooting.
3:56 - 4:20 search online for "how to set static IP address on home network". Follow tutorial with nitpicking concentration.
4:21 - 4:32 RESEARCH "Unix - The Complete Manual". Yeah, that's how.
4:33 - 4:45 Drop Unix manual on foot on way back to computer, stub toe, dance around howling.
4:46 - 5:30 Lunch.
5:31 - Give up, what's the use? Quitting time. Spend rest of day playing Minecraft.

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Reddit Bingo

Date/Time Permalink: 01/13/12 01:24:59 pm
Category: Humor

Reddit bingo

Well, just because I'm running a Daily Funny Tumblr blog now doesn't mean I can't also post the occasional Friday funny here.

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The Revolution Will Not Be Blogged

Date/Time Permalink: 12/22/11 11:10:17 am
Category: Humor

You will have to log off, Anonymous.
You will not be able to blaze a tree with the other Ents at 4:20PM.
You will not be able to fap to porn
While consuming greasy fistfuls of bacon-flavored Cheetos on the couch,
Because the revolution will not be blogged.

The revolution will not be blogged.
The revolution will not be modded +5 insightful on Slashdot
And score over-9000 points of karma on the front page of Reddit.com.
The revolution will not join you for a multiplayer round of Diablo 2
Accompanied by a Necromancer who summons skeletons and golems
And a level 23 paladin with a heal aura.
The revolution will not be blogged.

The revolution will not be broadcast on YouTube or Hulu.com
Starring Numa-Numa Kid and Leroy Jenkins singing along with Keyboard Cat.
The revolution will not become your fan on Facebook.
The revolution will not be retweeted.
The revolution will not show up on the first page of results
Above the fold on Google,
Because the revolution will not be blogged.

There will be no pictures of LOLCats screaming
"OMG it's a revolution! Get in the car!"
Or Rage comics about the FUUUUUU-volution scrolling by on Tumblr.
TechCrunch will not make the blog post
Announcing the revolution to 4,926 commenters.
The revolution will not be blogged.

There will be no PDF document of the revolution seeded on BitTorrent.
There will be no PDF document of the revolution seeded on BitTorrent.
There will be no animated GIFs of Heath Ledger
Flying to atheist heaven in the Ron Paul money-bomb blimp.
There will be no Flash animations of Dennis Kucinich
Riding a pair of Narwhals through a flock of Angry Birds
In a red-white-and-blue Creeper costume
That he has been saving for just the proper occasion.

Glenn Beck, Rupert Murdoch, and FOX News
Will see their rating plummet, and
No one will care to sign the online petition
To make the BP oil spill disappear through
The magical power of Internet petulance,
Because even the Javascript programmers
Will be outside experiencing sunlight for the first time.
The revolution will not be blogged.

There will be no photo-pool on Flickr with
Snapshots of Batman and Iron Man planking on the steps of the Capitol
And Nicolas Cage with a bucket of bees on his head.
The revolution will not be programmed in Ruby on Rails,
Python, .NET, HTML5, or PHP,
And will not be drawn in Photoshop, Gimp, Corel Draw, or Adobe Illustrator.
The revolution will not be blogged.

The revolution will not be available as a ringtone for $2.99
When you subscribe to another four years of your AT&T service plan.
You will not need to be concerned about the revolution Rickrolling you,
Installing malware, or sending you a phishing email.
The revolution will not Occupy Wall Street.
The revolution will not make Milhouse a meme.
The revolution WILL be watching you masturbate!

The revolution will not be blogged, will not be blogged,
Will not be blogged, will not be blogged,
The revolution will not be copy-pasta.
The revolution will be in the real world.

(With apologies to, deepest respect for, and fondest memories of Gil Scott-Heron)

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suddenly the moon